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The FloodÖII

The company I work for publishes real estate Multiple Listing Service(MLS) books. These show pictures and statistics for all of the properties available in a given area. They also have newletters, announcments, ads, and notices. The following is in vol. 45/46 of the books in Upper Penisular MI(about 600 books per order).


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."

And in a flash of lightning, delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "Iím your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the arkís construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because these was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the US Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save owls, but they wouldnít let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnít complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnít take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, Iím still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunity Commission over how many minorities I supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some sort of use tax. Really, I donít think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "I am too late, the government already has."

And you thought real estate was dull?

Rob Helmer